One Way the End Can Go
He looked over at me, and I was staring at him. There was a moment where our eyes locked for a few seconds before he would turn away. I looked into his eyes and found he was feeling bad. My eyes were screaming for him to say something, but he didn't. He simply turned and took a step before I was finally able to make a sound. He paused in his next step, waiting for me to actually say something now.
"C-can I ask you to do something?" My voice was uncertain. I didn't think he'd want to, considering what I had just told him.
"What else can I do?" I heard my ears playing tricks on me until he repeated what he had asked, "What did you want me to do?" He was facing me again and was looking right at me.
"Can I hold you?" I asked him. When the words were out, I didn't blurt it out as much as I thought I had in my mind. I looked at him and he was confused. I knew exactly what I had meant because I've always thought about wanting to hold him.
He was uncertain, and I don't blame him. I don't blame him if he walked away this moment. But then he slowly nodded, allowing me to continue.
I was hesitant. I knew he would be uncomfortable with the notion, and I don't want to put him through the sense of awkwardness, but I needed it. This was the one thing in my life I know I need. Can I be selfish just this one time?
I took a few steps forward to him and hugged him. He had become stiff at the impact, but that was to be expected. I was about to pull away, but then I felt him relax a bit. I took this chance, so I hugged for awhile longer. Not a minute later, I let go of him.
I looked up at him, and he stared at me. My heart was beginning to crush itself in contempt. "It sucks... You know..." He was still silent as I spoke out. "Knowing that you'll never feel the same as I do... It just sucks so much..." I repeated. I took in a shaky breathe. I'm not going to cry in front of him. I have to stay strong. I've always known this would happen eventually. I closed my eyes in hopes that would help in keeping my tears in. But I couldn't... I just couldn't hold it in... Only he would make me feel vulnerable...
I couldn't stop myself from crying. I didn't know what to do except wipe my tears away as they kept falling down my face. I tried to look at him past my teary eyes, and I saw that he was stunned. I should get out of his way. I don't want him to see me like this. I turned away from him. I heard him take a step forward, but I didn't want him to bother. "It's okay. You don't have to do anything any more. I'll be fine." I said through my sobs before continuing to walk away from him. I wiped at my tears as soon as they fell, my arms never fully leaving my face. The further I went away the more I knew that I wasn't going to stop crying any time soon. I didn't want to look back. I knew he felt some sort of guilt because I know he's a good guy, but there was nothing he could do. This was my problem, not his, so he didn't need to worry.
~*~
"C-can I ask you to do something?" My voice was uncertain. I didn't think he'd want to, considering what I had just told him.
"What else can I do?" I heard my ears playing tricks on me until he repeated what he had asked, "What did you want me to do?" He was facing me again and was looking right at me.
My anxiety kicked in and words were caught in my throat again. A hundred words I could say to him were thrown at me. My mind was in overload until I blurted out to him the most resounding phrase that was in my head.
"Can I hold you?" I asked him. When the words were out, I didn't blurt it out as much as I thought I had in my mind. I looked at him and he was confused. I knew exactly what I had meant because I've always thought about wanting to hold him.
He was uncertain, and I don't blame him. I don't blame him if he walked away this moment. But then he slowly nodded, allowing me to continue.
I was hesitant. I knew he would be uncomfortable with the notion, and I don't want to put him through the sense of awkwardness, but I needed it. This was the one thing in my life I know I need. Can I be selfish just this one time?
I took a few steps forward to him and hugged him. He had become stiff at the impact, but that was to be expected. I was about to pull away, but then I felt him relax a bit. I took this chance, so I hugged for awhile longer. Not a minute later, I let go of him.
I looked up at him, and he stared at me. My heart was beginning to crush itself in contempt. "It sucks... You know..." He was still silent as I spoke out. "Knowing that you'll never feel the same as I do... It just sucks so much..." I repeated. I took in a shaky breathe. I'm not going to cry in front of him. I have to stay strong. I've always known this would happen eventually. I closed my eyes in hopes that would help in keeping my tears in. But I couldn't... I just couldn't hold it in... Only he would make me feel vulnerable...
I couldn't stop myself from crying. I didn't know what to do except wipe my tears away as they kept falling down my face. I tried to look at him past my teary eyes, and I saw that he was stunned. I should get out of his way. I don't want him to see me like this. I turned away from him. I heard him take a step forward, but I didn't want him to bother. "It's okay. You don't have to do anything any more. I'll be fine." I said through my sobs before continuing to walk away from him. I wiped at my tears as soon as they fell, my arms never fully leaving my face. The further I went away the more I knew that I wasn't going to stop crying any time soon. I didn't want to look back. I knew he felt some sort of guilt because I know he's a good guy, but there was nothing he could do. This was my problem, not his, so he didn't need to worry.
~*~
A/N: 8/19/16
I've decided to put my heart my on sleeves. There's nothing like risking a heartbreak. You know... It's always like this with me... Well it doesn't matter now. It's getting normal for me. Like how Brock gets rejected by the many women he falls in love with. I'll learn how to cope with this feeling. A bit closer to home than I would like but it's two in the morning and I'm not thinking straight. I'm a lot more hopeful than what I let on, so just enjoy the narrative for what it is.
I've decided to put my heart my on sleeves. There's nothing like risking a heartbreak. You know... It's always like this with me... Well it doesn't matter now. It's getting normal for me. Like how Brock gets rejected by the many women he falls in love with. I'll learn how to cope with this feeling. A bit closer to home than I would like but it's two in the morning and I'm not thinking straight. I'm a lot more hopeful than what I let on, so just enjoy the narrative for what it is.
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