Lifeless
//Suicide Mention
~*~
I was just lying there in my bed, curled up in a ball. There was nothing to feel, and nothing to do. I didn’t even shift my position to get in a more comfortable position. There was no thoughts going in my head. My eyes weren’t even closed. I wasn’t tired in the least, physically anyways. My lifeless desk was in my view, and the only light shining in the room was from the lamp on top of it. No matter what I did I couldn’t move. Not that I would have wanted to move. I felt the futility of everything, so I finally decided to close my eyes. I could hear the ticking of my clock, and with each passing second, I was no closer to falling asleep. So I just lied there with my eyes closed. I counted each tick of the seconds, adding up into minutes. It had been exactly thirty-three minutes and fifty-seven seconds when the door to my room slid opened. I didn’t open my eyes because I didn’t care to see who it was. Someone stepped in and closed the door behind them. I heard him walking closer to me then he stopped before my bed. Every night he would do this, knowing I wouldn’t move.
“Hey…” he spoke out, but I said nothing, as always.
The bed sunk at where he had sat.
“Y’know? This morning… I thought about it…” I could feel him shift, and his voice… it was much sadder today.
“I thought about suicide…” He confessed, but I still didn’t react, so he chuckled in contempt.
“With you like this… it was as if I have no reason to continue living.” His voice was beginning to falter. “I can’t hear your laughter anymore, and I can’t even see your beautiful eyes anymore… You won’t even look at me for crying out loud.”
I heard him take a shaky deep breathe before speaking again. “I know you’re right here next to me, but I…” His voice was cracking. “… I just miss you so… so much…” I’ve never heard his voice like this.
He sniffed before he spoke out. “God… what else is there I can do? Is all I do even worth it? I just feel so lost without you…” There was a pause.
“It’s now or never, I guess…” I could hear another deep shaky breathe. “I love you. Did you know that, that I love you? I love you so damn much, and… and it just breaks my heart to see you like this. So… please… please… say something… please…”
“When you’re like this… it feels like I’m already dead so I might as well be…” Silence filled the room for a minute.
“I guess this is goodbye…” He placed a kiss on my temple. “I love you and… goodbye…”
I could feel his weight lifting off from the bed. No… I don’t want it to end like this. No! I won’t let it! Damnit body! Do something! I finally tried to reach out, but my damn arm wouldn’t move. I tried to get up, but my body just won’t work! I opened my eyes, and I see him up in front of my bed. I stared right in his eyes, and all he did was smile a small sad smile before turning away. Just say something damnit! I watched him as headed towards the exit. No… I can’t let it end like this… I don’t want it to end like this. I won’t let it end like this! I won’t! If I do then… then… someone else I love would die because of me… Just stop please… just… “… Stop…”
I heard the door open. It was too late… I closed my eyes and tears finally began pouring from my eyes. Sobs could be heard as well. But I didn’t care… I just let someone else I love die. Why am I so pathetic? How could I just let him slip out of my hands?
Tears just kept falling no matter if I wiped them away or not. Then I felt the bed sink again. It can’t be, can it? No, it’s just my mind playing tricks on me. But when I finally opened my eyes, I saw him there staring at me. I just kept crying. He was there. He was there!
I saw his arms open, but I just couldn’t bring my body to hug him. So he pulled me into him instead. He was also crying. A person such as him, crying. He was holding me in his arms in a tight embrace. I was crying into his shoulder as he was holding onto me with his life.
The tears finally stopped falling, and it felt like hours had passed as we sat in this position. Him holding me in his arms, and me just leaning into his body. I tried muster out my strength to talk. “I…”
But he shushed me. “You don’t have to say anything.”
“I… I do…” My voice was hoarse. I guess not using it for quite a while would do that. “I… I love you…”
I couldn’t see it, but I knew he was smiling. I didn’t know how I knew, but from all the times he would come sit on my bed and tell me the events that would occur in his day, I could tell.
“You should get some sleep.” He told me. “Tonight’s been rough… for the both of us.”
I nodded, so he lied me down back on the bed before he himself got off of the bed. I grew fearful until he spoke out.
“I’ll be back first thing tomorrow morning…” I saw him walk towards the entrance of my room, but before he fully exited, he turned his head in my direction. “Just know. I’ll never leave you, not now, not ever.”
~*~
I was just lying there in my bed, curled up in a ball. There was nothing to feel, and nothing to do. I didn’t even shift my position to get in a more comfortable position. There was no thoughts going in my head. My eyes weren’t even closed. I wasn’t tired in the least, physically anyways. My lifeless desk was in my view, and the only light shining in the room was from the lamp on top of it. No matter what I did I couldn’t move. Not that I would have wanted to move. I felt the futility of everything, so I finally decided to close my eyes. I could hear the ticking of my clock, and with each passing second, I was no closer to falling asleep. So I just lied there with my eyes closed. I counted each tick of the seconds, adding up into minutes. It had been exactly thirty-three minutes and fifty-seven seconds when the door to my room slid opened. I didn’t open my eyes because I didn’t care to see who it was. Someone stepped in and closed the door behind them. I heard him walking closer to me then he stopped before my bed. Every night he would do this, knowing I wouldn’t move.
“Hey…” he spoke out, but I said nothing, as always.
The bed sunk at where he had sat.
“Y’know? This morning… I thought about it…” I could feel him shift, and his voice… it was much sadder today.
“I thought about suicide…” He confessed, but I still didn’t react, so he chuckled in contempt.
“With you like this… it was as if I have no reason to continue living.” His voice was beginning to falter. “I can’t hear your laughter anymore, and I can’t even see your beautiful eyes anymore… You won’t even look at me for crying out loud.”
I heard him take a shaky deep breathe before speaking again. “I know you’re right here next to me, but I…” His voice was cracking. “… I just miss you so… so much…” I’ve never heard his voice like this.
He sniffed before he spoke out. “God… what else is there I can do? Is all I do even worth it? I just feel so lost without you…” There was a pause.
“It’s now or never, I guess…” I could hear another deep shaky breathe. “I love you. Did you know that, that I love you? I love you so damn much, and… and it just breaks my heart to see you like this. So… please… please… say something… please…”
Hearing those words, hearing him plead, hearing him cry, shook my core. But I still didn’t do anything.
“When you’re like this… it feels like I’m already dead so I might as well be…” Silence filled the room for a minute.
“I guess this is goodbye…” He placed a kiss on my temple. “I love you and… goodbye…”
I could feel his weight lifting off from the bed. No… I don’t want it to end like this. No! I won’t let it! Damnit body! Do something! I finally tried to reach out, but my damn arm wouldn’t move. I tried to get up, but my body just won’t work! I opened my eyes, and I see him up in front of my bed. I stared right in his eyes, and all he did was smile a small sad smile before turning away. Just say something damnit! I watched him as headed towards the exit. No… I can’t let it end like this… I don’t want it to end like this. I won’t let it end like this! I won’t! If I do then… then… someone else I love would die because of me… Just stop please… just… “… Stop…”
I heard the door open. It was too late… I closed my eyes and tears finally began pouring from my eyes. Sobs could be heard as well. But I didn’t care… I just let someone else I love die. Why am I so pathetic? How could I just let him slip out of my hands?
Tears just kept falling no matter if I wiped them away or not. Then I felt the bed sink again. It can’t be, can it? No, it’s just my mind playing tricks on me. But when I finally opened my eyes, I saw him there staring at me. I just kept crying. He was there. He was there!
I saw his arms open, but I just couldn’t bring my body to hug him. So he pulled me into him instead. He was also crying. A person such as him, crying. He was holding me in his arms in a tight embrace. I was crying into his shoulder as he was holding onto me with his life.
The tears finally stopped falling, and it felt like hours had passed as we sat in this position. Him holding me in his arms, and me just leaning into his body. I tried muster out my strength to talk. “I…”
But he shushed me. “You don’t have to say anything.”
“I… I do…” My voice was hoarse. I guess not using it for quite a while would do that. “I… I love you…”
I couldn’t see it, but I knew he was smiling. I didn’t know how I knew, but from all the times he would come sit on my bed and tell me the events that would occur in his day, I could tell.
“You should get some sleep.” He told me. “Tonight’s been rough… for the both of us.”
I nodded, so he lied me down back on the bed before he himself got off of the bed. I grew fearful until he spoke out.
“I’ll be back first thing tomorrow morning…” I saw him walk towards the entrance of my room, but before he fully exited, he turned his head in my direction. “Just know. I’ll never leave you, not now, not ever.”
~*~
Originally Published: January 2, 2016
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