Open Book

Derek stumbled into my room in the dorm I shared with two others. I knew him because he was my lab partner for my physics class, and when he came over to go over a lab report, I found out that my roommates were friends of his. Every Friday, Derek would come over and they would play some games while drink and simply hang out. They would ask me to join them, and sometimes I do, but I usually refuse and hole up in my room. I’m sure they’re the type of people who wouldn’t go too far in drinking but once a blue moon, they’d get drunk and rowdy.

Apparently tonight was one of those nights because Derek had drunkenly walked into my room. I turned in my swivel chair and looked at him. He was looking a bit bashful, and I raised my eyebrow at him. He was never the one to be embarrassed about something. “What’s up?” I asked him.

He stared at me. “Can I… uhm… Can I borrow your phone?”

Even from here I could smell the alcohol. “Why?” I was skeptical.

“Well, I had a fight with my girlfriend and she’s not picking up when I tried to call her back.” He confessed to me while looking away not wanting to face me.

I cautiously handed him my phone. Curiosity was getting the best of me. “What was the fight about?”

He looked at me, then away again. He ignored the question. “Can I get some privacy? And uh, I think George wanted to talk with you about something anyways.”

I eyed him, trying to make him talk, but his lips were sealed. I sighed. “Just get me when you’re done.”

He stiffly nodded as I left, he moved to my chair. I took one last look at him and saw him sitting there with his elbows on his knees with him blankly staring at my phone in hand.

I went out into the living room and found George and Lawrence, the other roommate, silently playing their co-op game. I found it unusual that they were still sober while Derek was clearly drunk.

They saw me coming and Lawrence sighed. “Sit with us. It’s going to take a while.”

I did as I was told and went to fill in the empty seat on the couch. “Was it that bad?”

“Yeah, it was.” This time George spoke. “He came going straight for the booze.”

I pursed my lips. That couldn’t be good. “Did he tell you what happened?”

The both of them looked at each other and George shrugged, apparently giving Lawrence the ‘okay’ to tell me what Derek couldn’t tell me. “D-man’s having girl issues, and she was telling him that he’s been hanging out with us too much and he doesn’t have time for her anymore.”

But that doesn’t make any sense. “How does he not have time for her, they live together?”

“I know right!” George chimed in. “But she said sleeping together doesn’t count because that was always going to happen.”

“Yeah, and she said that he spends too much time over here.” Lawrence added. “Like, what? He only comes by like three or two times a week and that’s when she’s busy and he’s free.”

George was being thoughtful. “How long before does Derek get here before one of us shows up on days that we’re not here?”

I shrugged. “An hour or two early maybe.” After a second of realization, I grew bashful. “Then he said he’ll just hang out with me while waiting for you guys.”

The both of them looked at each other with knowing grins, before George spoke again. “So… what have you guys done recently?”

With their staring eyes, I felt like I’m the new topic of conversation all of a sudden. I grew a bit nervous. “Well… I brought out my books here to study while he played games.” That was just the other day.

“But when I got home, the both of you were playing games, and the books wasn’t even open!” Lawrence pointed out.

I could feel myself becoming flush. “He was getting nowhere alone, so I had to stop studying for the time being and help his sorry self.” I had to be a bit more confident to cover up any suspicion they have. Their smirks never left their faces, and I just rolled my eyes. “I’m going out for fresh air.”

I went out onto the balcony. It’s not that big, but it’s big enough to fit a few chairs, three to be exact, comfortably. On occasion the three of them would just come out here and chat, and sometimes I would come out here with my journal just to sort out my thoughts. I leaned against the railings of the balcony and looked out into the night sky. Looking up I had a revelation. When Derek barged in, I was writing in my journal, and it was on a particular page. I put my head in my hands and dragged my hands down my face, and I groaned. I just hope that he just doesn’t go looking on my desk. I look at my hands if not my journal then I would have my phone but I had neither of those things. They were with Derek. Derek… apparently he’s been coming by just to hang out with me instead of spending whatever free time he had with his girlfriend.

The sliding door opened, and I saw him standing there, a bit more sober and a lot more confident than before. “Sorry about that.” I shrugged, and he just grinned and shook his head as he closed the door behind him and sat in his seat.

I turned to face him with my back against the railing. “Now will you tell me what’s wrong?”

He sighed. “She thinks I’m cheating on her.” I furrowed my brows. He’s always been so loyal to her. “Because she also knows about George’s and Law’s schedule, she knows that they wouldn’t be home when I get here.” So he was coming over to just hang out with me. “And since she doesn’t know you all that well, she just assumes that I’m going somewhere else and cheating on her. And she blames herself for not getting me to spend more time with her.”

This time I sighed. “So, what are you going to do about it?”

“I tried calling her a few times, but she wouldn’t pick up, then I tried calling her using their phones and she still wouldn’t pick up.” He looked up at me, and he became a bit hesitant. “Then I used your phone, hoping that if I called with a random number hopefully she’ll pick up, but she still didn’t…” He tiredly sighed, clearly stressed about this whole situation. I went to go sit next to him and placed a sympathetic hand on his shoulder and slightly rubbed it. He looked up at me and smiled the best he could muster. It was small, but that was enough.

There was a cough behind us, and I immediately took my hand away. I took a quick glance at Derek and found that his smile had saddened before turning my attention to the one who called for our attention. It was Lawrence and he had his phone in his hand. He gestured it towards Derek. “For you.”

He took a deep breathe and accepted the phone. “Hey…” Once he answered a loud feminine voice could be heard through the phone. Even though I wasn’t the one with the ear to the phone, I winced at the loud voice.

“Derek! I want you to come home right now!” The voice commanded.

He was being calm as he responded, “Okay.” I don’t think I would’ve been able to hold in my temper like that.

“I’m going to be studying tonight, so I need something to keep me up tonight.” The voice was starting to get increasingly annoying to me. “Get me Buckstar on your way home.”

He had a small smile on his face. “I don’t think any are open at this time. But I’ll tell you what, how about when I get home I’ll make your favorite frap.” How could he be so forgiving?

I heard a whisper. “Chill, dude.” That’s when I noticed how tight my fists were. I looked at Lawrence and gave him an apologetic look. Derek was using Lawrence’s phone so it made more sense for him to be lingering, but me, I had no reason to stick around. I mouthed a sorry.

“Look.” It was sharp. “Just get home.”

The audacity of that girl. I was done, I didn’t want to hear anymore of her. I stood up to leave, but then I felt a hand on my wrist, stopping me. Derek wanted me to stay. He had one hand on the phone while the other one was tugging on my wrist for me to sit back down. We stared at each other. I looked at his earnest blue eyes, and I couldn’t refuse him. I reluctantly sat back down while I noticed Lawrence had a grin and was shaking his head. I turned to glare at the third person, and he put his hands up in defense. I rolled my eyes and turned my attention back to Derek.

“Babe? I love you.” And that did it. I sighed and stood up. I had no intention of leaving, so I just leaned over the railing and closed my eyes. I took a deep breathe feeling the night breeze, hoping it would just take me with it. He said it with such conviction but there was this softness in his voice. “You know that right?”

There was a pause. “Just hurry up. I want my frap.” I took in another deep breathe in, trying to calm myself.

“I’ll see you soon,” he coolly said as he hung up the phone. She’s impossible. He’s unbelievable! “Here, I’ll go in a bit, I don’t think she’ll mind once I make that frappuccino.” I assumed Derek was talking to Lawrence because I heard the sliding door close. He posted up next to me mimicking how I was leaning against the railing. “You’re angry.”

“No, not really. I’m just… frustrated.” I sighed. “How can you let her walk all over you like that? And how can you be so forgiving of her?”

He was being extremely patient with me. “She’s not that bad once you get to know her. She’s actually very sweet.” I saw the twinkle in his eyes as he spoke about her. I scoff and he made a small chuckle. “It’s fine. She’s probably just stressed out about finals coming up.”

He’s still so unbelievable. “Then why did you make it sound like it was such a big deal earlier?”

“I was drunk.” He sounded unsure of himself, and I gave him a stare. He was starting to grow nervous. “And not being able to talk to her just made me panic, you know?”

I pursed my lips. “I guess so.”

There was a light chuckle from him. “Okay, imagine that we got into a argument over the technicalities of a game,” something that has happened a few times between us, “and I get so upset that I storm off. How would you feel?”

We get into arguments about the rules of the games and how it should be played, but it never got to the point where one of us would be angry enough to leave. I thought about it for a second. “I’d feel pretty bad.” Then what he was saying was starting to click. “And I would try to apologize for making you angry, but if you weren’t responding back, I’d panic too…” I internally cursed myself. Does he know me that well to know what my course of action would be? Or am I just that transparent?

I looked at him and he was grinning. I shot him a glare and he laughs then I rolled my eyes turning my attention back to the cityscape. “I finally got to see what’s in your notebook.” I became surprised and looked at him. I wonder what expression I had on my face because he just laughed again. Then I scowled at him. He put his hands up in defense. “I didn’t see all that much, I only saw the page it was open to, I swear!” He put his hands down and smiled at me. “You never told me you’re good at drawing?”

I let go of my glare and looked down towards the ground. “It’s more a hobby than anything.”

“Well I think they’re incredible.” He enthused.

I smirked at him. “Why? Because it was a picture of you?”

I saw that grin on his face. “You know it!” I just shook my head and chuckled, of course. He and his big ego. “You should draw me more often, it’s really flattering how good you make me look.”

If only he knew everything. I scoff at his comment. “Yeah, only on paper is where I can actually stand you.”

“Do you really think that?” I heard him say.

I gave him a questioning look. I guess he must still be drunk after all. Normally he wouldn’t be this insecure. I sigh. “No, I don’t. You’re a great guy, Derek.” Then he just smirked at me. I can’t believe him. “You jerk! You were just fishing for a compliment.”

He laughs. “Hey, you’re the one who made fun of me.”

My glare was upon him once again. “If all you wanted was flattery and compliments then I’m going back inside. You could get those every time you go to a bar.” And it was true, whenever I was dragged out and forced to join them for a ‘guy’s night out,’ Derek would be the one to get the most compliments and the one to get hit on the most. I turned around and headed for the door.

“But I like them coming from you.” I heard him say, but I probably wasn’t hearing things correctly.

“What?” I turned around and found him being bashful again. And again not really his style to be timid.

“Can’t I just hang out with you?” He told me, though I wasn’t sure if that was what he had said before.

I just looked at him. “Wasn’t hanging out with me what got you in trouble with your girlfriend in the first place? And I think she’d appreciate it if you got home sooner rather than later.” This time he stayed quiet as I left the balcony. I entered the living room and found Lawrence and George playing a game together, or against each other, I wasn’t really paying attention. “Your friend has such a huge ego.”

George just grinned. “You know what they say, guys with big egos has to carry a big weight on them.” He even had the audacity to wink at me.

He had put that image inside of my head and I grew flush from the imagery. “Oh please, it just means he’s overly compensating for something he doesn’t have.” Lawrence just chuckled at my response.

Then I heard the sliding door close behind me. “Well, I can drop my pants down and we’ll all get to find out what’s true or not.”

George choked on his own spit, serves him right. While Lawrence just began laughing. I on the other hand just became speechless. I saw him grinning and I regained my composure. “I’d like to keep the living room a place of purity if you’d please.”

His grin didn’t go away. “I don’t think it was pure ever since George moved in.”

George looked surprised now, and Lawrence laughed even harder. “Dude! You weren’t supposed to say anything.” Derek just gave him a shrug.

“You guys are gross. I’m heading to bed, probably going to be having nightmares now that the innocence of the living space has been tainted.” I started my way towards the hall way when I heard Derek speak again.

“Or you might be dreaming about how big I am down there. I know it’s a mystery to all the folks that’s dying to know.” He even winked at me when he said that. He’s even bolder when he’s drunk. I gave him one of my death stares, and it was good that he even had the decency to look nervous when I’m done with his attitude. “Was I too much?” was the last thing I heard before I was out of earshot of the three stooges.

I finally got back into my room for that night and I don’t plan on going out unless it was for an emergency, or to use the restroom. I closed the door and let out a heavy sigh. That was a lot for just one night. It wasn’t a secret that I’m gay, but what was a secret was that I really like Derek. It may not look like it because I don’t want it to be known. He has a girlfriend who he clearly loves even if she is a total douche to him. I can just imagine her being all sweet and kind in front of others but when she’s alone with him, she shows her true colors. I was getting angry thinking about her again, so I went to go sit down at my desk.

My phone was placed next to my notebook which was still open to the page that it was on. I looked at my phone and curiosity got the best of me. I unlocked it open and went to the phone log and found that he actually called her about twenty times before giving up. Then I checked the messages to see if he had sent anything because I know I would. If I couldn’t reach him by calls then I would send a text instead. And there it was, a text to the same number as the one he tried calling twenty times. But something was off. It seemed like it didn’t send properly. I felt a little bad for reading his text, but in it he was genuinely trying to make it up to her, saying that she could even join him in hanging out with me to prove that that’s what he actually does. He even tells her how cool I am to be around with. I smiled at that. He really is making an effort to get on her good side again. Derek does love her very much. I press the send button and it went through this time, almost instantly. So I wondered why it didn’t send in the first place.

Derek had said that he only saw what was on the pages that it was open to and it was a sketch of his facial profile. And on the adjacent side was a list of things I like about him. My face grew beet red. I hoped he didn’t actually read through all of it, and just looked at the picture of him. And that’s when I noticed that there was writing behind the page I had basically written a confession on. I turned the page and what I saw was not my handwriting. I became alarmed, so he did end up reading the list. I grew embarrassed again and despair was growing in me. This must be a rejection letter or some sort, but when I read the first line, “What I like about Issac:” I grew confused. He also made a list but it was about what he likes about me. There would be only one reason why he would write this. He read what I wrote about him and he felt like he had to be courteous and write one about me. That’s just the kind of person he was. And also he was drunk, so I can’t really blame him for doing something like this when he’s not in his usual state of mind. I had to reason myself because there really can’t be any other explanation. He clearly loves his girlfriend, the way he acted towards her when she called and that text that was meant to be sent to her even showed how deeply he cares for their relationship. There was simply no other reason, was there?